Worry

There's an old Vulcan saying (yes for those who don't know, I am a Trekker, and proud of it):
"Worry is illogical; it saps your strength. Concern, however can prepare one for the unexpected."

I admit, I am a worrier. I always have been. It's a part of my nature. The above lesson is one that has always been a difficult one for me to absorb. I know that worrying doesn't help, but I do it anyway, even when the result is that I feel sick about stuff I can do nothing about. I have learned not to worry about some things, but for the most part I still do when I encounter situations I am unprepared for. As I have stated previously, I don't deal with sudden change very well. I tend to want to run and hide under the covers like I did when I was a little kid who thought there were monsters under the bed. Sometimes I feel as though my brain simply shuts down and I just don't know what to do.

The thing that inspired this post is that tomorrow I have to begin to solo on the phones at work. I know that we have been well trained, that we have everything we need to trouble shoot and problem solve right there in front of us, and if we need to, we can always ask for help from a supervisor or from another agent. But I'm still worried. What if I screw up and say something really stupid to a customer? I know from talking to other agents, some of whom have been there only a few months longer than I have, that this is perfectly natural. Some of them have been there for only 3 or 4 months, but if you listen to them when they're in a call, you'd think they have been doing this for years. So while I know intellectually that I'll be OK, I still have some major nerves about tomorrow. Our trainer told us the other day that she spent most of her first solo day feeling sick to her stomach over having to go it alone, even though she knew she wasn't alone. I have a feeling I'm not going to sleep very well tonight.

But I know that I'll be OK.

Eventually.


Be well,

-J

Heath Ledger R.I.P.

Heath Ledger is dead.

I must admit I was floored when I heard that on the news. He was only 28 years old. Rest in Peace Heath.

The thing I find that bothers me the most about this is not the fact of his death. Everybody dies when their tasks on this Earth are done. It is not for us to decide whether that death is too soon or not. I accepted the fact of my own death a long time ago, and well frankly, I've been dead before.

No, what bothers be the most is the way the media have glommed onto this and are doing what they always do. . .trying to pull a rating. As though that is more important than the fact that a talented young actor has died. Never mind the details. It's nobody's business how he died, or why. But the public has in the last 10 years or so, gotten the idea into it's collective head that they have a Right To Know.

Listen up people: Just because a person is a celebrity in the public eye, does not mean that we the public have a right of any kind to have a look into their private lives, unless they specifically invite us. People like Perez Hilton, who think it's OK to out celebrities, (it's NOT) have to take a serious look at the details of their own lives and ask themselves if they would enjoy the same level of scrutiny on them 24/7.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, I'm going to bed.

Heath,

Eternal rest grant unto him. May perpetual Light shine upon him.
(Wayist Blessing)

Be Well,

-J

Beginnings

from Dune by Frank Herbert:
"The beginning is a very delicate time"

Somehow that seems appropriate to the start of this year. At the end of the previous one I found myself without a job and having to move out of my apartment suddenly. I'm a Cancer. That means I don't like change, and sudden change is like having my own personal a-bomb going off. I'll admit that at first I was lost. I had no idea what I was going to do. I felt like the world was crumbling around me. I cried a few times, ranted and raged a bit, and still felt no better.

Finally I got my shit together, at what seemed like the last minute, and started to plan out the beginning of my new life. I found new living quarters (the first priority), and then got word that I got the job I wanted.

Now I feel that the world did me a favour. I had to shake myself out of the (very) deep blue funk I had been in for, well longer than I can remember, and I am starting to feel stronger as a result. I am, as a close friend puts it, 'emotionally reconnecting' to the rest of the world and the people in it.

For this, as in all things, I thank the Divine.

Be well,

-J